Desire

Hey guys-

Well I finished the first chapter/journal study. It was pretty challenging for me to answer the questions. Did you guys learn anything new about yourself? Or something you knew about yourself but it was just now brought again to your attention?

I learned that I still have never gotten over the pain of my past. My father was an alcoholic, and and my homelife was pretty hard. My mother was always busy trying to meet all my father's needs, and my brother and I were left to teach ourselves about life and grow up on our own with no direction or love. I look back on my life not with nostalgia, but with resentment. I need to learn to let the past go. I wish I had had a family who had loved and nurtured me. At least I can take away something good from the exprience: I know the kind of parent I will never let myself become.

I also learned I have a lot of unrealized desires, many of which are Godly and pure, but I am scared they will never be realized (such as doing humanitarian work abroad, knowing God intimately, knowing MYSELF intimately, finding the peace that God has promised His children, etc).

I also learned that I am the kind of person who, if things are not right, I want to fix them right away and if I can't, I get very upset. I am a very proactive person, and it's hard for me just to be like well this is the way things are, do the best you can. I am unable to settle, I am always striving to make things better. For example, it's hard living in DC, I can't find a sense of community, it's loud, dirty (just like any other city), and I wish I could move to a small town out west. But I can't. I am here, and think that God brought me here for a reason, but it's hard to be like well God, you brought me here but I don't want to be here, please take me away! :) It's like, I want God to challenge me and I want to grow and be content no matter what my circumstances are, but my DESIRE to live elsewhere, to have a more meaningful job, to establish a small core group of friends, is ALWAYS there. So what do I do then?

Just some thoughts. :) I am looking forward to seeing everyone again tomorrow night!
Jennifer